I like my jerseys like I like any other shirt

Every human on Earth has the right to certain choices and preferences -- they choose a religion, a political stance, a favourite Jonathan Brandis movie and an ideal sauce combination for their fast food profile. Mine happens to be ketchup, pickles, lettuce, tomato and onion, with mustard recently making a strong push to join the starting five. Somewhere down the line, a man, or a masculine female, must decide how it likes its jerseys. The Jersey Club, an exclusive organization who is presenting the words you're currently reading while hopefully on the toilet or while in transit to buy a jersey, is a group of like-minded enthusiasts who all agree on what makes a good jersey.



So without further Apu, here is what the jersey club looks for in a jersey:

1. "It's a real"

Wearing a jersey is satisfying for many reasons, including wanting to pretend that you're part of a professional sports franchise and showing your support of the team by wearing the most expensive piece of apparel the team offers. It is for these reasons that the club only supports real jerseys, or league-approved replicas.


It was touched upon in a previous post, but there's been a recent proliferation of Chinese knock-off jerseys making their way around the sports world. The jersey club does not support these jerseys, because they're not real and because they make fans look like Cheapy T. Pennypinch, a notorious jersey trafficker who was executed in 1927 after he sold President Roosevelt a fake Babe Ruth that was made out of copies of the Great Gatsby.

2. Stitched

An example of "stitching". Notice the stitches.

The jersey club prefers jerseys that contain stitched lettering and numbering, as opposed to those which are heat pressed. It's the same reason why the jersey club supports homemade burgers over frozens and real breasts over just about everything else. Don't get me wrong, if the pros started heat pressing, we probably would too, but if the pros start heat pressing I'm sure pink champagne in water bottles and mandatory on-ice apologies wouldn't be far behind.

3. Named



A jersey without a name is like a iPod without Tarzan Boy. That being said, your Jersey Club does own several no-names, but that was before we all got together and talked about it. Anyway, a named jersey places the jersey within a specific time period and announces to the world whether or not you support a cool dude, or a stewed prude. For example, if I see a guy with a Cam Neely jersey, I will approach him and congratulate him. On the other hand, if I see a guy with a Daniel Alfredsson jersey I will openly mock him in front of his children and try my best to transfer some sort of stain onto the material of the jersey. Personalized jerseys are also generally supported. I once saw a guy at a Jays game with "TURD" across his back. Either he has the funniest last name of all time, or he's the funniest guy of all time.

4. No Ottawa

The Jersey Club will never purchase the jersey of team from Ottawa, even if that team's captain was Batman.

Stay tuned next time when I explain how we like our meatballs prepared!